


Only From Within

by spotofpurple



Series: The Lighthouse Effect [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Break Up, Hurt, M/M, Other, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 12:06:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6078723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spotofpurple/pseuds/spotofpurple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Styles gets over Louis Tomlinson. And the world doesn't end. Not Harry's at least.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only From Within

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I haven't been truly in this fandom for a while, but now I am back.  
> This is a long rant of what Harry is doing in L.A. And how is he coping.  
> Beware, I am considering writing a companion piece from Louis' POV.  
> But by all means, first let me know what you think about this one :-D 
> 
> All the love,  
> spotofpurple

With half of his days empty now, Harry feels like a faliure. There is a specific kind of satisfaction he draws from it though, so he doesn’t dwell on the negativity too long.

He doesn’t talk to any of the boys, opting to spend all of his time with Jeff and the rest of the gang. L.A. treats him like revival, like a soothing bath of familiarity, before he embarks on a trip to make London feel familiar again too. Home is a mixed up perspective and that is all that there is, at least now.

Gemma calls sometimes and teases him for laying around like a useless ass, but she hears it in his voice. That he is happy. Normal. Back to his own center. All of these people Harry has, from before everything and the ones he picked up along the ride, truly all of them are behind him as just happy and that is enough. He did well for himself, he thinks.

Besides the career and the singing and the image, he did good in so many other important things too.

Like how he learned confidence and kindness interconnected in a firm smile that doesn’t let you go. He knows it, can sense how much comfort the closest people to him feel in having a mess of curls and flowery designs in front of them, sure and certain and impossible to destabilize. Harry is a beacon of positivity in so many lives and he knows it. Gives him purpose. Keeps him stable in return and reminds him to smile. _Even when._

He doesn’t talk to any of the boys. It is easy to do so, play this game of not knowing what the others are doing and where will they pop up, which tabloid and which ridiculous story. It amuses him, even, when he thinks about it, for the first time in over 5 years, Harry is a separate entity to the rest of them. He can mess around with Kendall on a yacht somewhere and get papped and try to guess what the boys reactions are going to be.

Zayn rockets to whatever it is Zayn is doing right now and even if the world and its grandmother are trying to pitch them against each other, Harry just doesn’t care. He doesn’t wish him bad, but not specifically the good either. It is a mixture of awareness that Zayn is forever going to be important. And resentment that Zayn chose to hurt them all, while he could have made it at least hurt less. Maybe he will grow out of the resentment and grow up about being abandoned like that, but not this year, he thinks. No, he deserves to be a bit of a brat there.

Jeff asks him, in one of the eternal meeting about business where they really do no business at all, he asks him if he wants to do this entire race thing. Make an album, get his music out there, make the world talk about him only, win the thing in front of the others and prove to be the Robbie of 1D. Harry laughs and shakes his head no. Jeff was expecting it, of course, and there is honesty in his eyes when he says he is proud to be working with Harry, whenever that happens.

Harry knows, is made constantly aware that there are all these important people that are really, truly friends to him and would back him up, exclusively him, make him appear bigger than life and never stab him in the back. It has something to do with the way he is, Jeff says, a good person attracting good people. Or maybe it has everything to do with the fact that he still chooses all the kids he plays with by the same rules Anne made him remember on the first playgrounds of his life.

Niall phones him, from some airport in the middle of nowhere, the crazy lad on a trip around the world, backpacking his way into new experiences. He says he misses Harry and wishes he was there with him. Harry knows. Him and Niall are the type of friends that could survive the apocalypse together, probably keeping up the spirits along the way too. And when he answers that he misses Niall too, he means it and there is fondness and love somewhere in his throat. It chokes him a bit and Niall chokes up a bit too, but they don’t let it get to them.

“I love you Harry Styles. And I am saying that aloud, in the middle of an airport, so if it ends up in the news tomorrow, at least don’t pretend like I am the only one saying it.”

Harry screams through the phone that he loves him too, makes Niall giggle like a little boy again. And. It feels like home, like belonging. To a different universe, yes, but Niall is perhaps a bit of his forever. He does love him, of course. Truly and honestly and as strong as their bond, Harry has a Niall and Niall has a Harry, the way it is. Just not… dependent. Or romantic. And also, absolutely not sexual. He loves him like you love a mate you ride to your death with. Or, as Niall claims: “I am a Gimli to your Legolas!”

Liam doesn’t call, he texts. Only a few times though, check up and check in and that is it. Harry considers it appropriate, because he and Liam really don’t have anything to say to each other now. Liam went through a personal type of hell with Sophia and Harry can understand it, but can’t help him through it. And that is perhaps the summary of their entire relationship. Liam still worries about him, asks and demands answers occasionally though. And Harry provides them and continues with his life. He sometimes thinks Liam is that friend from high school you end up dragging through your life. Not your best friend, but just a friend, someone who you share too much history with to ever forget them, but you also don’t need to see them all the time. And even though you are sure they would have your back, you don’t really trust they would do it in a way that wouldn’t shatter you alive.

Which. Brings us to Louis. Liam’s rock and earthquake at the same time.

Harry used to think he is going to die suffering over Louis. But. Surprise, surprise, he grew up. Maybe he just grew out of it, but really… Fairytales don’t always have happy endings, or whatever.

Now, when he finally has time to think, he remembers the exact moment he decided he will survive.

Louis was about to break up with Eleanor, or so he said. Harry and Louis weren’t HarryandLouis for about a year already, trying to be friends in an endless charade of phone calls and stunted conversations.

“I am ending this Eleanor thing finally. No use of it.”, Louis told him and Harry remembers how his eyes felt frozen on Louis’ hands, twisting nervously in his lap.

He nodded and looked away. They were in Japan. A street full of people below the window, sounds pouring in. From all the things he could have said, Harry thought of just one.

_There are people below. Happy, sad, indifferent people. And the world is spinning somewhere. Harry wanted a part of it. His story. His whatever ending. And whichever road he had to take to get to that ending, it wasn’t this one, here, in a room with the ex-something, love of his life, who almost killed him by loving too much. It wasn’t in weird glances and unsaid words. His future wasn’t in waiting for Louis to decide that Harry is worth more than Eleanor, or his image, or his fame. **Harry deserved more.**_

He left the room and went to fix himself up.

A year later, he could claim he managed it.

He could, but he probably wouldn’t.

Besides the emotional stability he has now, the confidence that he will always remain standing on his two feet, there was still something. Still a pull, always where Louis is.

He knows there is no use of it now. It would take years of repair and all the moves would have to be properly placed and perfect, all the steps the right direction of healing, all the words Louis says in the future would have to be **_the words_**.

But they can’t be. Because Louis cured himself by fucking around and well. There is a child now. A child with someone who isn’t Harry, not even close, not even similar.

And Louis knows it. That might be why he is dating another woman, and his child is living through his first months and the world is wrapped in a pap walk after a pap walk. It is all public and out there and raw and weird and Harry is hurting for so many reasons.

_Because this Louis isn’t his Louis. Because he isn’t even close. Because he is moving away from Harry’s Louis each day, with each gesture and each new angle of hand-holding. Because, Louis promised Harry the world and then broke it in half and built a trashy empire with someone else. Dared to try and raise a life within the ruins of all of their castles and that is something Harry will never understand._

They talked, once, when Freddie was born. Harry said congratulations and Louis said: “I am trying.”

_What are you trying? To forget who you were? How we wanted to raise kids? Together? Protected? Safe? How you promised there will never be anyone else and then things got hard and you expected me to tolerate you dropping me like a rock? How you tried to make me wait, while you were crushing my entire world?_

Harry didn’t say any of it, of course. He didn’t say anything.

Instead, he imagined a world where Louis loves him like he knows he deserves to be loved. A universe where the best people to build you up aren’t the ones that drag you down too. He imagined how would it feel if Louis was to fix this, _like he promised he always would_.

And then he stopped imagining. Magic happens, yes, if you work for it hard enough. And build your own castles. So when they crumble to the ground, you still have the foundation to carry. Whenever you want. To build whatever you need. With whoever is there _. And worthy._

Sometimes, trying just wasn’t good enough. And maybe the biggest miracle is that Harry figured it _out from within himself._


End file.
